MONOGAMY seems to be the word for all seasons. And the fact that its definition is continuously stretched to accommodate the changing morality of the times is par for the course. The latest addendum in the monogamy lexicon is 'managed monogamy', which is all about being together long-term, but allowing yourself and your spouse 'other' sexual encounters. In this age of 'open' and 'transparent' relationships, New Age couples are defining their out-of-marriage encounters as part of managed monogamy, where the spouse approves all external romantic and sexual encounters.
According to a report in The New York Metro, couples shouldn't take monogamy for granted. Instead, they should take the urge to stray for granted. For couples who want to be in the 'happily-ever-after' category, this is the new truth, the report reiterates. Managed monogamy or this new monogamy follows the 'don't ask, don't tell policy' where you know what your spouse is doing, but you can happily do without knowing the gory details.
Managed monogamy is rampant not only in big cities but in small towns as well. One spouse doesn't hide his or her attractions or sexual encounters from the other. It's a positive trend, as it allows couples to look at the inadequacies in their relationship and seek sexual and romantic partners who can fulfil them. The problem arises at a later stage, when feelings of guilt and jealousy emerge.
Old-fashioned monogamists may recoil with shock at the emergence and acceptance of this new monogamy, which endorses the 'death-do-us-apart' belief, except every weekend, when you might want to have some fun with that hot babe or guy. Like Judy Gaman, 32, an architect, and her 35-year-old journalist husband, John Pico, both of whom practise managed monogamy. Says Judy, "We've been married for six years now. Yes, I'm having an affair with my colleague. I discussed this with my husband and he's okay about my dating this guy. John has a crush of his own, so he's actually quite preoccupied with her. We both understand our 'other' attractions as for us it is a mutual decision to date other people and yet remain married to each other."
However, one wonders whether this new, managed monogamy spells a threat to the traditional bonds of marriage. On this account, we're not emotionless. When we flirt and get physical with other people, we bond with them somewhere. And when that bond makes you start questioning your primary relationship - your marriage - then it becomes a threat.
Couples who follow this new monogamy don't describe this emotion as 'cheating, as for them, cheating is a secret romantic or sexual activity. Most couples explain that they're switching to managed monogamy as short-term adventure will prevent them from straying away forever. There's a lot of stress being with just one person. So, couples seek permission of their spouses to date others.
It seems, even in its mildest form, managed monogamy is about joking about your other temptations with your partner. For instance, London based Don and Laura Jones often tease each other about their attractions in their respective workplaces. "We talk about our attractions. We'll have a three-week affair, some adventure in our lives... But then, we come back home and talk about it. And these days, couples discuss the concept of monogamy before they tie the knot. Everyone likes the idea of an open marriage, even though it is tough not to get jealous.
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Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and marriage counselor who offers successful marriage tips for common marriage problems and healthy relationship tips to help save your marriage from divorce.
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