HETEROSEXUAL couples want to just walk past marriage, while homosexual ones would rather give it a go. Despite her bitter-sweet marriage to Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman was still emotionally elevated when she tied the knot with Keith Urban recently. And everyone's sweetheart Meg Ryan wept unabashedly on Oprah, confessing that she had an "unhealthy marriage".
So is getting married a thing of the past or is it that the definition is changing? To make it a success, you have to work on a marriage and keep the spark alive. Marriage isn't about individualism, it's about togetherness. Though it's not easy to give up on your individual identity, conflict arises if there is too much individualism! You have to think in terms of 'us', like a couple. And that's difficult at times. Modern marriages are vulnerable, and they need more nurturing. If you shut yourself, there's a problem. You have to work on the kind of marriage you desire.
In her book, The Best Kept Secret, Janet Reibstein writes that the challenges of modern marriage are: the tension between individual freedom and commitment, the task of regenerating mutual interest, the need for stability against the push for novelty, and the sheer difficulty of offering appropriate time and energy to another person in one's own complicated life.
Says London-based Priyanka Kanse, a trend analyst for the future laboratory, "It seems that heterosexual couples don't believe in marriage anymore. The faith is being revived by gay and lesbian couples, who are having lavish weddings and endorsing the concept of soul mates. Recently, I attended a gay wedding in London, where the gay bride came in a Cinderella coach! In 2026, there'll be a dramatic change in marriage as an institution. We'll be living together, rather than be married. As it is, society has relaxed its attitudes towards couples who live together.
With divorce rates escalating, marriages won't be forever. They'll be more of a lifestyle thing. In fact, how in the 1990s, there was definitely an anti-marriage trend. That's when living together was cool and getting married seemed a bit of a turn-off, like getting a pension. Life seems to be coming back a full circle yet again.
In a world of globalisation, marriages will be under intense stress. We're redefining new social codes and values. A woman has a mind of her own, she believes in her own identity and isn't willing to give up. Marriage as an institution is seeing an accelerated change. It's about equal partnership. We know that relationships are hard work.
For instance, 34-year-old Robin Williams, and 30-year-old Norah have been married since the last five years. Once in love, they are now forever fighting and sex is a distant memory. Marriages come under pressure when appreciation and gratitude for your partner disappears. When in conflict, don't be negative, take the other's perspective. There should be earnestness in a couple to make a marriage work.
It's very easy to mentally drift away from each other. And sometimes, the space can never be filled. Romance will fizzle out, but the ordinariness of daily life shouldn't cripple a marriage. However, no matter what spin you put on it, marriage remains the final frontier in the relationship game. As Shobhaa De writes in her book, The Truth About Marriage, a marriage works if you want it to, and fails for the same reason.
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Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and marriage counselor who provides marriage advice for common problems in marriage and healthy relationship tips to save a marriage.
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