Recently after years and years of heartaches, letdowns, and countless Saturdays nights spent stumbling half-drunk around dark bars in a vain attempt to find love, I decided that it was time to grow up. I had finally had enough of my party-all-the-time lifestyle. It was time to get serious and
start thinking about the important issues in life. I needed to decide where I was going in life, what my plan was for the future. I needed to realize who my true friends were, who liked me for me and not for my generous nature after a few beers. I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to get in touch with the real me. I needed to come up with a cool username for my Myspace account.
Yes, in the mist of freeing my life from all negativity and letting go of bad habits that I had acquired years ago, I stumbled across this website called Myspace.com. Everyone had been talking about it but I had no idea what it was. I consider myself pretty online savvy so I had to find out more about this Myspace. After a few minutes looking the site over I decided that it was probably a cool place to meet people and since I didn't go to the bar much anymore I needed somewhere to use my pickup lines. Of course now I was using these lines to find Miss Right, a soulmate, not Miss Right Now, who was, typically, not around for quite as long.
My favorite MySpace feature? It's FREE! It would cost me no money whatsoever. See Mom, I was becoming more responsible already.
After hours of deliberation I decided that 'poetskinny' was a great username that fit me perfectly seeing as I am skinny and I like to pretend to write poetry. The username I really wanted was 'drunkinpublic696969' but surprisingly that was already taken. So was 'pooperscooper08'. Don't ask.
Now it was time to find old friends and send them friend requests and find new people and ask them if they wanted be 'friends' with a total stranger. I love the world wide web! I felt a little funny sending people who had been my friends for years 'friend requests' but I guess that's the way it's done on MySpace. While doing this I got my first feeling of apprehension but I swept it aside as stomach pains. Sometimes those Gorditas just don't go down like they should. Or come out like they should for that matter.
For about 2 weeks I was in MySpace heaven. Everyday I was making new friends and finding old friends. I had more friends that the cheerleader with the nice rack in high school. I felt popular, suave, and in control. The picture I uploaded caught my good side and the goatee I was sporting was a nice touch. Woman I didn't know started sending me friend requests from all over the country. This was the life. Everyday I checked my account to see how many friends I had now. Things were going great, MySpace had my vote. MySpace in 2008! MySpace in 2008! And then tragedy struck.
One afternoon while performing my normal MySpace ritual, inviting hot girls to be my friend and checking to see how many friends I now had, I realized that the number of my friends had shrunk instead of grown. That meant one of two things: Either MySpace was broken or SOMEONE HAD DELETED ME AS A FRIEND! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I frantically searched through my friends list to see if I could find a face that was missing. The only problem with this was that most of the people on MySpace use fake names and most of them have weird pictures that technically aren't them instead of pictures of their actual faces. When I added them as friends I knew who 'jellyrollkid' and 'tummystickzkilla' were but now I had no earthly idea. There was no way for me to find out who had deleted me as a friend so that I could rectify the situation. I felt like the nerdy kid in school who everyone gives the silent treatment and he has no clue why. I didn't sleep well that night.
A little time has passed now and I'm a little more hip to the MySpace world. I know now that instead of telling someone to their face or over the phone that you have a problem with them, the adult thing to do is to delete them as a friend on MySpace.
I've also learned that if someone breaks up with you the adult thing to do is to visit their MySpace page everyday and send nasty emails to anyone of the opposite sex that leaves them any comments.
Recently I've also learned that if someone sends you a message on MySpace and you don't reply to it they can go into their sent messages folder and see if you have read it or not, and if you have then they are well within their rights to call you at home and use dirty words when you answer the phone.
Another piece of info I'd like to share: People are very sensitive about where you place them on your friend list. If you don't put someone in your 'Top Friends' section and they think they should be there they will jokingly ask you 'Why the $$&**#'@&* not! and then they will go into a 15 minute
lecture on how you've known them longer than so-n-so and how they are definitely a better friend than HER. Do not be surprised if the tires on your cars are mysteriously low on air the next morning.
Truthfully, I do enjoy my MySpace account despite all the drama. It gives me something to do everyday and I feel important typing in my password. It also let's me keep in touch with a lot of old friends who live in different states now who I don't like well enough to waste anytime minutes on. So all and all I guess I can see why everyone is always talking about MySpace. I guess it
still gets my vote. As long as it stays free...
Oh yeah, I finally figured out who deleted me as a friend that first time: It was Tom!
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Timothy Ward is a humor writer and webmaster who desperately needs your help in becoming a household name. You can help by subscribing to his humor column at timothyward.netfirms.com or by visiting his latest website LakeCityFreeAds.com or you can name 2.5 of your children after him.
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